The Pathway to Loving Me: My New Life!!

2009

Just reflecting on how a few years ago I would call myself damaged goods. In my mind, body, heart, and soul I truly felt that I was.  I told myself there is NO coming back from this brokenness. There is NO way that I can be restored. My friends were extremely upset with me as I went into a depression and I as I went into my shell. The fun-loving and outspoken Tracey that had been was no longer there. I barely smiled and I was always angry. I preferred to stay to myself. My relationship with others suffered and I truly did not care. I thought to myself why interact, why care, why cater, why love…..especially when your slapped in the face when you do for others. What’s the point of always giving to others if you are going to be betrayed and hurt when you do? Going out of your way to show people that you care and forgive no matter what they have done to you. You continue to forgive and they continue to hurt you. My relationship with my mother was not even the same and she was my sister/best friend. I no longer trusted people and I questioned the motives of the people that were in my life at the time. I walked away from everything, including a relationship that I was in for 10 years. I was tired of being hurt and I was tired of hurting myself over and over. I no longer wanted to live, but then I had no choice but to live. I thought to myself if I did not have these kids then I would just check out of this life. Trying to endure through this pain and all the while covering it up. No one knew that I was affected in the manner that I was….Hell I did not even know. “When you continue to place a band aid on wounds and not care for them they start to be exposed”…..”The wounds never heal if you don’t clean them, disinfect them, place antibiotic ointment on them, and exposed them to enable them to breath and eventually heal”. I got tired of covering things up….Putting on a show for others….It had to end. So I told myself that I am going to change me in its entirety, and I will live for me. No longer caring about everyone else and now caring for me(Not realizing that I was hurting others in the process through actions or things that I did). I was on a journey to loving me. One determining factor, is one day I saw a picture of myself and everybody would compliment me on this picture lol…..they surely didn’t know that I had finished balling(crying) behind closed doors and walked out to take this picture. I so hated myself & I so hated my life.

Picture was taken at my mom’s Breast Cancer Survivor Party in 2008

Earlier, my friend sang a song to my mother that I picked out from Mary Mary called “I can’t give up now”. Not realizing that this would be the song that would minister to me. So then I hear a whisper from God and he “says that I’m aware that you are Broken Tray this I know. Tracey I have you right where I need you to be. You are going through these things to understand the clients that you will encounter and others. You can’t help them if you can’t understand them. You have to feel certain things to enable you to deliver and restore others. You have not done anything that caused this pain & you have to endure it for a greater purpose. I need to tear you away…you need time to yourself…others need you. You'll lose some along the way, because they don’t quite understand the pain that's going on inside of you.  I have many more that need you. I will restore everything in time but right now I need to break you.” This was so powerful, but I still hadn’t wrapped my mind around it in it’s entirety. I did however come up with a plan and everyone thought that I was just talking. I sure fooled them almost 1 year later when I started my new life on September 12, 2009. I was so scared and confused but it was so worth it. I was on my journey to loving me and I was determined to Fly Effortlessly above every situation and obstacle that I was and am presented with in this life. I am now a better individual, mother, sister, cousin, BFF, friend, counselor, Therapist, and a WORSHIPPER (the best of them all). God has truly restored me and he still has some work to do ……I still have hang-ups…it’s still hard to trust…it’s still hard to open up out of fear of rejection, hurt, pain, betrayl…at times I feed people with a long handle spoon if I feel that feelings, words, & actions are not reciprocated. I’m loving me but still finding me. The question I would like to ask is are you loving you? Are you even liking you? What steps are you making to improve yourself and better yourself? What are you going to do to detox yourself from all impurities? My suggestions are to:

1.   Buy a Journal and write in it daily

2.   Write your short-term & long-term goals in this journal?

3.   Write down your hearts desires and dreams in every area of your life

4.   Give yourself a 6 month goal date

5.   Check off your goals as you reach them, because you will.

6.   CUT OFF anyone that is hindering you, hurting you, mistreating you

7.   FORGIVE anyone that has done things to hurt you, but they are showing you by their actions that they have truly changed

8.   SPEND TIME with yourself

9.   SPEND TIME WITH GOD (THIS IS THE ANSWER)

I also went on a Girls Weekend retreat & we talked about things that we wanted to purge. We wrote them down and left them there. Our innermost feelings, darkest secrets, issues, insecurities, etc. This was very refreshing and we have all grown since then. It really only took 6-12 months to see a drastic change within our lives. You should try it too!!

This is a song that I would listen to. Keep it on REPEAT on your bad days. I had to flood my brain with this to get through my feelings. Hope it blesses you the way it has me!

I must say that I have met some amazing people along the way….I have so many people that love me and that are good for me…..I’m loving my new life!! Don’t be afraid to take a chance. Do you love you? The journey to loving yourself starts in the mind...just one thought about how you would like to be treated, adored, desired, catered to, respected, etc. You have to decide that you are no longer willing to accept mediocre interactions with other individuals but better yet from yourself. People treat you how you allow them to treat you....Do you want more? Be Fly....First Love Yourself and all the desires of your heart will come ~Flying Effortlessly

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4 NIV)