How did I get here? Loving me was
not that easy. I remember asking myself where I start with truly loving me.
What is Self-Love really about? What is the journey to getting there? I was at
a place in my life where I hated who I was and I hated who I was becoming. What
happened to me? Where did I lose me in the process of loving me? How could I
allow myself to lose who I was for the benefit of others? I had my “Aha” Moment when I looked at myself
in the mirror one day before going to work. I didn’t recognize the individual
that I viewed in the mirror staring back at me. Who was she and where did she
come from? The person that looked back at me was disgusted with life,
disconnected from others, alienated from my true feelings, she was hurt,
destroyed, guarded, violated, disregarded, and spiritually depleted. I could
only look in the mirror and cry……something like the scene from Poetic Justice
when Janet revealed her emotions. It’s amazing how others can view you on the
surface and it appears that everything is great, but you are truly dying
inside. Pictures can convey things that are truly opposite of what you are
feeling!! I decided that day to make a change for the better and to stop
denying myself true love, which ultimately is generated from Self-Love!
(This is a picture that I appear to be fine, but I was hurting tremendously)
To start my journey I had to reflect
and revert back to how I became this person. To be honest with you I hated
myself growing up!!! Yuck Yuck Yuck…………I hated my complexion/skin, I hated my
eyes, I hated my nose, and I hated my teeth with a passion. I developed a
complex at a young age due to others making fun of me and I accepted that
negative view of myself. Back in the day, being a dark skinned complexion girl
was frowned upon and the name calling was something fierce. I remember being
called Night, Shadow, Dark Vader, Blue Girl, Skillet to name a few. It made me
hate who I was on the outside and started the deterioration of my self-esteem. I
would often times question myself and tell the kids that “God didn’t make me light-skin
because I wouldn’t be pretty light skin”…..This was disturbing thinking
back on it.
(Me at 8 years old )
I
started evaluating myself and I completed self-assessments that reviewed my
self-esteem, self-worth, self-confidence, self-consciousness,
self-actualization, self-value, etc. I
realized that I said I thought highly of myself, but my actions were not aligning
with my self-beliefs. I then started to research the definitions of these
self-attributes in its entirety and then I started to define who I wanted to be
as a person.
Self-esteem:
A realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.
Self-worth:
The sense of one's own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect.
Self-confidence:
Realistic confidence in one's own judgment, ability, power, etc.
Self-consciousness:
Excessively aware of being observed by others
Self-actualization:
the achievement of one's full potential through creativity, independence,
Spontaneity, and a grasp of the
real world.
Self-Value:
Proper esteem or regard for the dignity of one's character
Clearly at this
juncture in my life my numbers on the scale for all these attributes were very
low. So I began to do things that will
enable me to assess me & that will enable me to get back to me. I had to do
several things to ensure that I was focused on me:
1. I
exited a relationship that I’d been in for 10 years (5 pre-marriage/5 married)
2. I
relocated to allow myself a fresh start (I didn’t want/need a negative reminder of
what made me what I considered “Damaged Goods”.
3. I would write in my journal to purge all my thoughts whether it be negative and/or
positive (GET IT OUT-if you don’t acknowledge it you CAN’T correct it!!)
4. I
worked out to alleviate my anger and purge my negative emotions.
5. I
learned myself through trial and error (What do I like? What do I want?
Who am I?)
6. I
read books to keep my mind from straying to a negative place (THIS WAS MY ESCAPE-MY
GETAWAY)
7. I
removed myself from negativity, drama, selfishness(I BECAME A RECLUSE)
8.
I READ MY
BIBLE & TALKED TO GOD A LOT via Journals, Notes, Music, in the Mirror, etc.
(Song that assisted me with my journey)
All these things
enabled me to search and define who I was as it pertains to exterior and
interior. I asked myself questions all the time and not just surface questions.
I had to dig deep and ask secondary as well as tertiary questions to enable me
to open up to me. I found that I had hidden pieces of me from me……..How could
you not recognize pieces of yourself? THAT’S CRAZY. I realized that I wanted to be restored, restructured,
revamped, recovered, and of all things REPLETE! I have attained all these
things, but I still have other things to transform about myself. My ultimate aspiration
is to be replete!!
res·to·ra·tion
/ˌrestəˈrāSHən/
1. The return of something to a former owner, place, or
condition.
2. The process of repairing or renovating a building, work of
art, etc., so as to restore it to its original condition.
re·plete
/riˈplēt/
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Adjective
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I am so different
now and I am healing every day in every way. I no longer allow others to impinge
on me like when I was a child. At times, I’m scared that I really don’t care
what they think of me. LOL The best thing that I decided to do was love
me….Self-Love is AMAZING!! How can you expect someone to love you when you
don’t know how to truly love you? I wondered why I was in a relationship that
was not producing love, and I would blame him for me not being happy. I had an
epiphany one day after leaving and I called my ex to apologize, because it was
all my fault. It started with me…..How I was treated was contingent upon how I
treated myself. I owed him an apology and so I gave it. I LET IT GO!!
If you have not
mastered the art of loving yourself thoroughly & irrevocably how can you
expect someone else to. If you don't know how to care for & take care of
yourself what does he/she have to mirror those actions? I challenge you to love
yourself & all the facets of you. Be YOUR own lover first…………make sure you
fly above all life’s obstacles!! FLY EFFORTLESSLY
(God has a sense of humor-my light skinned twin lol)
(My Babies)
LOVING ME ~Flying Effortlessly
To love ourselves in a
biblical way is to seek the ultimate, eternal
good for ourselves, and this motivates us to
“seek first his kingdom and his righteousness”
(Matthew 6:33).
Thanks to my photographer ...
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